My First Year of Motherhood

Brutally honest, raw reflections from the hardest and most magical year of my life.

I’m not quite sure where to begin but it seemed fitting as we approach Mother’s Day and Hudson’s first birthday (June 5th) that I’ve been reflecting a lot on this first year as his mom. It’s hard to explain the highest highs, hardest hards and how it has absolutely altered the very fabric of my being but I’ll try.

I find myself now looking back to those really early days. His birth and the week following were like this magical, otherworldly cocoon with very little sleep but a drug-like high of love, excitement and awe that powered us through our days and nights. I have the thought often that if we were given 24 or 48 hours to relive at the end of our life before we die (I don’t necessarily believe this happens but hypothetically) —-

I would choose the first 24 or 48 hours of his life for sure. Maybe even start a few minutes before he entered the world with those final pushes in the pool in my living room. Feeling him exit my body, holding him in my arms for the first time and seeing his blue eyes looking up at me and taking me in. It was the most embodied mystical experience of my life. And I’ve had some pretty out there experiences, haha.

I’ve actually read in some books on the last wishes of the dying that many parents would choose to go back to relive times when there kids were really young, and I get that so deeply now. Whether it was those first few days or any of the days I’m currently living with him — there is something that is so awe-inspiring about watching this tiny human you brought into this life bumble around, explore, reach for your arms and giggle with their two teeth smile.

All of that said, I don’t think I’m a ‘natural mom’ as much as many people perceive me to be. The transition into motherhood has been incredibly hard for me. I love my little man to the moon and back AND I also am compulsively creative, love to work and have a lot of passions and desires in me that exist beyond motherhood. This duality has shattered me in many ways during this current season.

Sometimes, to be honest, I envy moms who love mothering the most, who would gladly toss away their ambitions and find tremendous purpose in devoting all their focus to their littles. I have some close friends like this and they are absolutely incredible — they literally have become child development experts and rock my socks off with their moming skills. While I do a ton of reading myself and of course, am not neglecting my mom responsibilities — it’s definitely not my zone of genius the way I see with some of my friends.

I felt so guilty wanting to return to work. I started auditioning, seeing coaching clients, recording podcasts, etc — about six weeks after he was born. I wanted to, no one was forcing me. I actually think for a couple one on one clients, I only took two weeks off? It’s all a blur now. I think if I were to do it again, I would have forced myself to take more time to just rest and not think about work but I also know that in the moment — I was genuinely doing what I wanted. I remember booking and filming my first commercial just three months post partum. It made me feel like super woman. I needed that after how much being a new mom was humbling me on a daily basis.

For me, hiring incredible women who absolutely love Hudson and have his development and well-being in mind to support me from early on has been such a blessing in our family lives and for my mental sanity. Hudson has a ‘grandma’ and a few ‘aunts’ who I know he will be shocked to learn are not actual family when he is a little older. As a mom, it makes my heart so happy to see how safe and loved he feels with all the different people in his life.

I know the internet loves to show these horror videos about kids who are in daycare or have nannies or sitters crying hysterically because they miss their parents — this made me so nervous.

I can tell you that this has not been my experience — I simply follow his cues, he is so brilliant and intuitive. There have only been a couple sitters we tried that he was very unhappy with and I honored his feelings in those situations. The women that have been with him consistently are all ones whom he lights up when he sees them walk in, reaches his hands out to go to them even when he’s in my arms and happily plays with even when he may see me around the house.

I saw this saying that children are so tapped in because they are so ‘FRESH FROM GOD’ and it nearly brought me to tears because I feel like that is the highest truth. It is such a gift to be so close to someone so ‘fresh from God’ and watching his intuition about what he needs, wants and what makes him feel good is an epic learning in itself.

I think each child is different and we can’t make sweeping statements. As a mom, I believe you can see your little ones personality almost immediately and then it just gets more and more pronounced as they grow. Hudson was curious and wide eyed from his first moment in my arms, instantly looking around and recognizing not only me and his dad’s voice but also my mid-wife immediately. He loved meeting all the friends and family who visited him in those first weeks too and taking them in.

My little gemini is quite the socialite so he loves having lots of wonderful, loving adults in his world —- even though he makes it clear that mommy is queen, thank you very much, ha. Gosh, I could go on a whole other tangent about how wild and precious it is to feel the innate love, trust and comfort they have with you, truly soul recognition and a divine golden thread between your hearts.

Hudson is certainly my greatest creation, period. Nothing I do professionally will ever compare. AND YET — it doesn’t take away anything from how much I still want to create professionally and how important that is to me. In fact, I think one of the gifts that have come from motherhood is my ability to not care so much what anyone thinks as I follow my true north. It’s made me bolder. When time is so precious and energy less than abundant — alignment is everything. There is literally no space for any bullshit — haha. I have to be really clear about what is worth my energy and attention these days. It’s pushed me out of my comfort zone when it comes to cutting the fat work wise and saying ‘no’ a lot more but it’s also lovingly forced me to take the leap to focus on the deepest desires of my heart and unapologetically prioritize them.

As a kid who leaned on E! True Hollywood stories for inspiration because she didn’t know any ‘successful actors’ or ‘creative types’. I’ve always felt called to be a role model for children in general who didn’t have people in their lives with the big dreams and ambitions that they have in their hearts. Now being a mom, it’s on a whole other level. Regardless of how my ultimate story shakes out, I want Hudson to grow up seeing a mom who is fully alive and happy, who is following her passions, who is unafraid to aim for the moon.

Regardless of what he decides he wants to create with his life — I know the permission I give myself to create my own intentional life is the permission he will inherit when it’s time for him to create his. To me, THIS and feeling unconditionally loved and supported by me and my husband are the greatest gifts we can give him.

It’s been that awareness that I’ve used as a guiding light for my choices in this season when it all feels so overwhelming at times. When I’m tired, cranky and not showing up as my best self, I’ve been asking myself, “what do you need to be the mom you want him to experience?”

I feel like this may all sound easier than it has been and I do want to honor the hard. It’s easy to share about the joys of having a little star being — because there are such profound, magical joys.

But as Hudson approaches a year and more and more people ask me, “So are you going to have another one?” I am also deeply aware of the struggles.

There was a point, when people started asking that question VERY EARLY (a few months ago) that I quite frankly would say things like, “I’m just not sure I’d survive another.” I felt like something must be wrong with me or I must not be doing it right if so many women could so easily feel like they could handle another one already. And it wasn’t because of pregnancy or his birth in my case, both of those I could easily do again. In fact, I wouldn’t mind doing again at all — his birth particularly I’d love to do again, maybe that’s a crazy thing to say but I just loved it.

It’s the past year, the lack of sleep, the constant nervous system disregulation despite using all my tools, the feeling like a stranger in my body, and the total disorientation of my life. Oh, and the breast feeding struggles — I am pretty sure I have breast pump PTSD, I had to start listening to healing music while I did it, haha. The brain fog, forgetfulness, the utter lack of ability to maintain communication with friends at times. The feeling like you are drowning and don’t know if you’ll ever see the shore again. Perhaps some women take to it easier, I’m now more lovingly accepting that about me, I wish I could be one of those moms who feel so ready to have another one but that’s just not my truth in this season. I am still very much working on being the best me and mom for Hudson.

My husband’s going big for me this Mother’s Day. And while it’s not that I need expensive spa days or fancy gifts — it does feel nice to be witnessed and appreciated for what I’ve moved through this year.

Because more than anyone, he’s watched me fight to survive. Maybe not survive in the physical body way, but survive in my spirit. He’s watched me throw EVERYTHING at it. Whether it was lactation consultants, chiropractors, making all sorts of concoctions and taking supplements for milk supply to be able to keep Hudson breastfed.

He’s watched me work with a personal trainer, start weight lifting, do mommy and me exercise classes and track my macros while I try to land back in a body that feels like mine. He’s watched me wake up at 5am and get fully dressed and made up so I could film an audition before Hudson gets up. He’s seen how I have two different play areas set up in my office so I can keep him close while I get some things done.

He’s watched me cry in the shower when Hudson’s had a particularly fussy day and my nervous system is beyond shot. He’s seen the conflict in my heart in those early days of having help for him so I could work a few hours a day. He’s noticed the sadness in my eyes when there’s another event with friends in LA that I miss because we can’t find a baby sitter. He’s seen me sick as a dog, barely functioning with the flu and laying in bed breastfeeding Hudson. He’s held space for me when I’m short and snappy with him because of how much less his world has had to change than mine.

When I see mom’s now, I see literal warrior goddesses. My respect and pride for moms is other-worldly. It blows my mind how so many of us make it look so easy, when it rarely is.

If you’re reading this before being a mom, I hope it gives you a little taste of one woman’s honest account of her first year of motherhood. It will be so different and unique for you but I’m sure you will have your own highs and lows of the initiation, even if they are different than mine.

If you’re reading this and you are a mom, I want to remind you of how incredibly powerful, resilient and capable you are. You, just as you are, is exactly what your little(s) soul chose when incarnating into this world. The greatest gift you can give them is living your most intentional life, whether that’s in how you mother, how you have fun or how you make money. They are constantly downloading the energetic codes you are exuding.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Would love to hear your thoughts and reflections on motherhood in the comments. I know so many of you have much more experience than me.

xo,

Cass

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